Breastfeeding and Pumping has been one of the biggest obstacles to overcome as a new mama. Baby Zethus is 5 months old now and it feels like I’ve been doing this whole breastfeeding/pumping gig for years ! Almost like there is no end in sight. Not to mention my baby has a reflux problem. I don’t even want to call it a problem but more of an obstacle. Something we work hard at to overcome but don’t let it rule our lives. But reflux has led me to no longer breastfeed because Zethus doesn’t keep down the milk, so I have to pump exclusively and then add some rice cereal in the milk for him to keep it down.
With that being said, this weekend was my father in laws memorial service. He passed away suddenly on August 16th. We made an immediate trip from Washington to California. Returned back to Washington, and came right back to California the next weekend for his memorial service. And let me tell you being an exclusive pumper is hard enough, try traveling by car 16 hours there and back, trying to pump in between switching off between Moses and I driving. These past two weekends have made me want to quit pumping all together. But then mom guilt kicks in. I have absolutely nothing against formula fed babies and mamas who choose that route (shoot, we even use a special formula sometimes when he needs a bottle quickly and I don’t have enough milk pumped), but something in my mind won’t let me stop.
I’m wondering when does it get easier ? The first few weeks of life were hard in terms of breastfeeding, everyone said to “hang in there, it gets easier.” But with Zethus having reflux, it hasn’t got easier. It’s became much HARDER. I’m hooked to a pump constantly. My life is ran on a pump schedule and everything I do I have to work around that schedule or else I become anxious. I don’t want you to confuse my venting for complaining, because by all means I’m happy with the decision to keep going. But by me writing this, I’m trying to vent out my emotions and dig deep for inner motivation to keep pushing through it all.
October 1st we make the permanent move back to California, which is great! However, I will be going back to work 3 days a week and will have to pump at work and just the thought of that gives me so much anxiety. I really dislike carrying this pump around everywhere let alone at work 😒. Luckily I work at Starbucks and they are super understanding about pumping and giving you a private place to pump. I also have a ton of anxiety leaving my baby with another caregiver. Most likely it will be a family member but, AHHHH! that freaks me out. But I will save all that for another post.
Meanwhile here’s a raw and uncut photo of me pumping. Don’t judge me. It just real life all summed up in one picture. I was tired, up all night with the baby, and then had to wake up early to pump because my breasts were about to explode 😂