So I’m still stuck in the slums. It still takes everything in me to get out of bed to take care of my baby. But the day after I posted about the PPD I decided I’m going to go to the gym. Normally I would wait until Moses gets home because I’m intimidated of the gym. But you know what. I decided to get up throw on my clothes and just go. Didn’t think about it. Didn’t make excuses. I just went. And I felt so accomplished. By waiting to go to the gym at the end of the day you have ALL day to make up excuses to get yourself out of it. But at the beginning of the day it gives me motivation to do the smallest tasks. If I can accomplish something like going to the gym, I can do cloth diaper laundry. If I can go to the gym, I can get through another breastmilk pump session. If I could go to the gym, I CAN GET THROUGH THE DAY. don’t get me wrong. I still feel worthless most days. And feel like a robot stuck on repeat. But at least I have the proper energy to get through those repetitive tasks. I want to crawl out of this depression without a doctor. Without medication. And I think the gym is going to do this for me. I’m disgusted with my body after pregnancy. Even during pregnancy I didn’t take cute maternity pictures, shoot I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. I’m not saying the gym will wash away my feelings. But I will say that this is the start of dealing and sorting through them. I truly love my son. He is the reason I can make it to the next day. I just want to be the best mama I can for him. He doesn’t deserve half of me. He deserves all of me. I will get through this. One day at a time.