Here we are at 3 1/2 month postpartum and I was the person who said NOPE, not me I don’t have any postpartum depression signs at all. I thought I was good to go. Of course I had the struggles of every new mama (sleepless nights, sore nipples, tired from all the chores, etc.), but all in all I felt good. I was grateful everyday for Moses and my new baby. But here we are. At 3 1/2 months. And it’s hit hard. I can’t even really get into details about what’s going on because of the fear that someone will judge me and take my baby away from me. I would never ever hurt myself or baby but my thoughts have me going crazy. It doesn’t help that we live in Washington where it’s dark and gloomy most days. I’m in the house most of the time because we don’t have any friends or family here. It’s just Moses, myself, the baby and our two dogs. That’s it. I’ve had a long history with mental health and sought out help for it when my step dad passed away a few years back, but I was put on all sorts of medication and THAT was not the route for me as addiction has haunted me before. I quickly realized the path that I could have potentially gone down (because I’ve been down it before) and stopped all meds and found natural ways to deal with what I was going through. Well, now that I’m dealing with PPD. it’s a whole different ball park. Why can’t I seem to use those same skills I’ve taught myself to pull myself out of this. Like I said I won’t go into details. But I’m going MAD. I talked to someone about it the other day and she kindly reminded me, “You are not your thoughts.” And that hit home. She’s right. I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS. I don’t ever act on my thoughts. But what’s happening is starting to scare me. And I can’t talk to anyone about it (even the girl I talked to the other day I didn’t give details) because like I said I have a fear of someone taking my baby. I’m not really sure what to do. I’m completely sober. No drugs. No alcohol. And I’m facing my demons head on. But why am I so weak ? Why am I crawling in my own skin ? Why do I feel trapped inside my body ? My mind? I love nothing more in this world than my baby so why is this happening to ME ? good news is I got a weekend job today. Not for financial reasons, but because I need to have some human interaction. I love the shit out of my child, but I know in order to be the best mom I can I need to hit the reset button once in a while. And for me that’s going to work and talking to people. I just hope I can manage to crawl out of bed to actually go. My baby sleeps through the night but I can’t because of what I deal with. I want to say so badly what truly goes on. But I can’t. I really can’t. I’ve been through the system before as a child (child protective services) and I REFUSE to let my thoughts out in fear that they will overreact and take my baby. How can I deal with this without getting a doctor or medicine involved ? I desperately want to feel normal. I want to be the best mom I can. The best lover that I can. Most importantly the best ME that I can be, for myself. I deserve it. Moses deserves it. And my baby surely deserves it.