Postpartum Depression Update

So I’m still stuck in the slums. It still takes everything in me to get out of bed to take care of my baby. But the day after I posted about the PPD I decided I’m going to go to the gym. Normally I would wait until Moses gets home because I’m intimidated of the gym. But you know what. I decided to get up throw on my clothes and just go. Didn’t think about it. Didn’t make excuses. I just went. And I felt so accomplished. By waiting to go to the gym at the end of the day you have ALL day to make up excuses to get yourself out of it. But at the beginning of the day it gives me motivation to do the smallest tasks. If I can accomplish something like going to the gym, I can do cloth diaper laundry. If I can go to the gym, I can get through another breastmilk pump session. If I could go to the gym, I CAN GET THROUGH THE DAY. don’t get me wrong. I still feel worthless most days. And feel like a robot stuck on repeat. But at least I have the proper energy to get through those repetitive tasks. I want to crawl out of this depression without a doctor. Without medication. And I think the gym is going to do this for me. I’m disgusted with my body after pregnancy. Even during pregnancy I didn’t take cute maternity pictures, shoot I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. I’m not saying the gym will wash away my feelings. But I will say that this is the start of dealing and sorting through them. I truly love my son. He is the reason I can make it to the next day. I just want to be the best mama I can for him. He doesn’t deserve half of me. He deserves all of me. I will get through this. One day at a time.

How I Get My Baby to Sleep Through the Night

It’s been a long three months from exclusively breastfeeding to my baby throwing up EVERYTHING he just consumed, to pumping because I didn’t want to be covered in puke (not just a little spit up), to my supply dropping, to finding a formula that works for his reflux, to figuring out what I can add to my breast milk for him to keep it down ! I know that’s a lot happening at once. But it all contributes to him being able to sleep through the night. My baby would wake up so many times through out the night to throw up. And think about it. When we throw up when we’re sick it’s uncomfortable right ? So between finding a calming night time routine to changing his food, we have FINALLY found the holy grail !! My baby now sleeps from 9:30-10 PM – 3 AM for a short feed (he eats maybe two ounces in the middle of the night) then back to sleep until 7-8 AM. To me this is a WIN ! check out the video below for all the juicy details on what we do to get our baby to sleep 10+ hours a night

Postpartum depression

Here we are at 3 1/2 month postpartum and I was the person who said NOPE, not me I don’t have any postpartum depression signs at all. I thought I was good to go. Of course I had the struggles of every new mama (sleepless nights, sore nipples, tired from all the chores, etc.), but all in all I felt good. I was grateful everyday for Moses and my new baby. But here we are. At 3 1/2 months. And it’s hit hard. I can’t even really get into details about what’s going on because of the fear that someone will judge me and take my baby away from me. I would never ever hurt myself or baby but my thoughts have me going crazy. It doesn’t help that we live in Washington where it’s dark and gloomy most days. I’m in the house most of the time because we don’t have any friends or family here. It’s just Moses, myself, the baby and our two dogs. That’s it. I’ve had a long history with mental health and sought out help for it when my step dad passed away a few years back, but I was put on all sorts of medication and THAT was not the route for me as addiction has haunted me before. I quickly realized the path that I could have potentially gone down (because I’ve been down it before) and stopped all meds and found natural ways to deal with what I was going through. Well, now that I’m dealing with PPD. it’s a whole different ball park. Why can’t I seem to use those same skills I’ve taught myself to pull myself out of this. Like I said I won’t go into details. But I’m going MAD. I talked to someone about it the other day and she kindly reminded me, “You are not your thoughts.” And that hit home. She’s right. I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS. I don’t ever act on my thoughts. But what’s happening is starting to scare me. And I can’t talk to anyone about it (even the girl I talked to the other day I didn’t give details) because like I said I have a fear of someone taking my baby. I’m not really sure what to do. I’m completely sober. No drugs. No alcohol. And I’m facing my demons head on. But why am I so weak ? Why am I crawling in my own skin ? Why do I feel trapped inside my body ? My mind? I love nothing more in this world than my baby so why is this happening to ME ? good news is I got a weekend job today. Not for financial reasons, but because I need to have some human interaction. I love the shit out of my child, but I know in order to be the best mom I can I need to hit the reset button once in a while. And for me that’s going to work and talking to people. I just hope I can manage to crawl out of bed to actually go. My baby sleeps through the night but I can’t because of what I deal with. I want to say so badly what truly goes on. But I can’t. I really can’t. I’ve been through the system before as a child (child protective services) and I REFUSE to let my thoughts out in fear that they will overreact and take my baby. How can I deal with this without getting a doctor or medicine involved ? I desperately want to feel normal. I want to be the best mom I can. The best lover that I can. Most importantly the best ME that I can be, for myself. I deserve it. Moses deserves it. And my baby surely deserves it.

Nursery Tour

Hey everyone ! We just moved into our new place in Washington (however we’re moving home to California in May 2020, I will make another post on that) and I FINALLY got my baby’s room together. I’m so in love with it. It’s not instagram perfect, but it’s functional. I love the color scheme and the feeling of knowing me and the baby can go in their when he’s having a rough night in order to give daddy some rest. I had so much fun putting everything together. Before I got pregnant, Moses and I had the smallest one bedroom apartment in Kirkland, WA that ever existed. Now we’re in a nice spacious place and baby has everything he needs. And when I say that I don’t mean we spoil him and he has tons of stuff. We’re a minimalist type of family. I grew up in clutter and I’m so happy that I am NOT the same way. I hate clutter and things out of place. I’m not obsessive. But I am definitely clean. And I only keep things we actually use. If we don’t use it frequently or it sits in a closet, then I don’t keep it. If you want to check out what I did with baby Zethus’ room check out the video below !

Nursery Tour

Luna Menstrual Cup Review

In my household we are really trying to change our trash output and are switching over to as much reusable products as possible. Not to mention, for some reason I was so scared to put in a tampon after having a baby. I’ve used tampons my whole life since I started having a period. And I just couldn’t put one in postpartum. I don’t know why it scared me but it did. So I bought a kit off amazon that had the Luna Cup and some cloth pads. Seriously the BEST investment ! Check out this video for the full review

Luna Cup Review

Similac Spit Up Formula Review

So this has been a long journey these last few months in terms of breastfeeding and formula. When baby Zethus was born I breastfed. Except every single feed he would throw up ALL OVER ME. not a little. ALOT. so I started pumping and bottle feeding so I could monitor how much he was getting. The spitting up never stopped. So then for some reason my supple dropped and had to formula supplement during the day and give breastmilk at night. I do that because formula is only good for two hours and I noticed I was wasting a ton of formula. And breastmilk is good for 6 hours at room temp (we never waited that long but I could go past the two hour mark). Then the battle of the formulas began ! First we tried enfamil Enspire which is supposed to be just like breastmilk. Nope. He hated it. Then we switched to enfamil Gentlease which is supposed to be easy on the tummy for gassy babies. Nope. He was still spitting up. And when I say spitting up I mean if I fed him 4 ounces he would throw up 2 of those ounces. Even when burping and all that jazz. So then we tried similac in a gold container that was for gassy babies. That one made him MORE uncomfortable. Then we switched to similac total comfort in a purple can. This one made him less gassy but still throwing up. All of this was under the instructions of a pediatrician. She was helping me through all the brands and formula types. After all of this she wanted to say he had acid reflux. And wanted to prescribe him medicine. But before we went that route there was one more formula I wanted to try I saw at the store. It was Similac Spit Up Formula in a green can. AND WE FOUND THE HOLY GRAIL ! man. Ever since we have him this formula. He has been the happiest baby ever. He still spits up but instead of 2 ounces every feed it’s more like a teaspoon, something I could wipe up. Before finding this formula we went through endless changes of clothes and bibs. And he broke out in a bad rash because of how much he was throwing up. Not to mention how uncomfortable he was all the time. Now he can stay in the same set of clothes all day. Happy as can be. Smiling. Not gassy. Just all around a 180 degree change. We are SO happy we didn’t give up. Like I said he still gets mamas milk because I want him to have all the nutrients of breastmilk (nothing against formula fed babies this is just my choice) but combined with the Spit Up Formula he’s doing so much better. If there is any mamas out there going crazy because of the constant spit up, try this formula.

Here is a video of my review

Similac Spit Up Formula Review

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